PART TWO
CONCISE CHATLANIAN-PATZAK DICTIONARY
ketze - match(es) tzak - nose bell
etsikh - container for prisoners etsilop - law enforcement officer
pepelatz - spaceship gravitzapa - pepelatz engine component
ku - socially acceptable swearword koo - all other words
- Hi! - Hello.
Long time no see!
Bye!
Hey! Hang on a sec.
I have a proposition.
What? What?
What do we think about you? Come on!
Penetrate our brains.
Stop pestering us. What do you want?
- Don't you have conscience? - And "you"?
We're poor, miserable, hungry performers! Have we mistreated you?
Why do you keep harassing us?
Give me your widget for a sec.
Tune it up.
Good. Let's go for it.
One, two, three...
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done? Koo!
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun.
I don't have a coat to get warm,
And no woollens for a snowstorm.
Shut up! You're tone-deaf.
Mommy, mommy, I cannot but grieve.
Mommy, mommy, how shall I live?
Uncle Vova, let's do it again!
- They love it! - They know a good thing...
One, two...
Etsilop!
Hey, performers! Where's our shipping cask?
- Pepelatz? - Yes.
Over there.
- We've run out of luts. - All because of you, pest!
Fiddler! Just what do you think you're doing! Vandal!
Listen, just leave me alone...
My dear fellow... This is a Last Breath, a grave,
a cemetery.
Checkmate!
- A 'semi-pro', you say? - He's just bragging.
That's not fair play! You are scanning my brains to win.
If you had brains, you'd be studying in the University instead of messing around here.
Let's play again. You bet the violin, its container, and the tooth-stick.
And this here.
A deal?
Well, okay! You bet the Widget, the Visator, and Mr. Uef's life-base.
- No objections. - Let's play.
Uncle Vova!
It's "tzapa" you need to turn. Tzapa!
- Here, you do it yourself! - Nothing doing. I am Chatlanian.
Get outta here!
When you need advice, a Chatlanian is around.
When you need work to be done,...
- Fool's mate! - It's not fair play!
You deliberately didn't think my moves over well enough!
Then use your own brains to play.
How can he use his own brains, when he's never seen these figurines before.
- Not my problem. Give me my winnings. - No way.
Uef, have you ever seen such a little Patzak
to be such a mercantile ku?
Never. I said that Fiddler wasn't needed. Here's the result!
Hey! Chief!
And you said '"tzapa"!
So, nobody sings in cages there, on Earth?
Mr. Be, on Earth only wild animals are kept in cages.
Are animals Chatlanians?
I don't know. It looks like that.
- Is Nightingale Patzak? - Why Patzak?
You said he sings without a cage.
- Well, Patzak then. - Ah! You see!
You've got the same outrageous racism. Just like us... here, on Pluke.
Only, the power belongs not to Chatlanians but to Patzaks...
like you and your friend Nightingale.
Let me do it.
Here, four gulps.
First... the young one.
That would be 6042 matchboxes. Fiddler, write it down.
I did.
Want some?
No.
For free.
What do you think you're doing? What about me?! me?! me?!
10 more matchboxes on me. Go pump some more water.
Kin-Dza-Dza!
- A boat! - It's not a boat.
- It's a luts station. - Let's refuel!
- Not here! - It's automatic. The next one is operated by a woman.
We'll give a performance. She'll give us a discount. Got it?
Stop slacking, uncle Vova!
Let's move! Let's move! Come on!
If this used to be a sea, why aren't there any seashells?
Do you still have seas on Earth?
We have seas, rivers, and decent people, Mr. Uef.
Barbarians! I feel like crying!
Mommy, mommy, what is to be done?
Mommy, mommy, winter is no fun!
I don't have a coat to get warm
And no woollens for a snowstorm!
I wish my boss saw me now. I'd get a pay rise!
Hush, Uncle Vova! The lady is watching us.
They took the woman away, and put in a vending machine.
Buy as much as we can afford. We'll fly part of the way at least.
Luts is not sold in parts. It costs 10 chatles apiece. But we have only 7.
- How far is the Center? - 100 miles.
Uncle Vova, Uef has more chatles.
In his right boot.
Hey! Chatlanian!
What?
Take off your right boot.
What for?
C'mon! Koo! Koo!
- Koo-oo?! - Ku! A pest!
Squat!
Why? They aren't Etsilops, are they?
It's PG and his Patzak! If you don't squat...,
and they find it out... that's "etsikh" with nails for life!
- But who is he? - Shh!
- Oh! Was it a video? - Huh... Holography, my friend!
The violin!
Easy! Stand still! Freeze!
And you said "koo!"
It's not a blimp, you moron! It's the Last Breath of Mister PG.
Nonsense!
How could one man breathe out so much air while dying? Absurd!
Don't you fear Heaven? PG is alive, and I'm happy!
And I'm even happier!
There you go. Okay, climb inside.
- Plastic? - No.
Isn't there a conventional entrance to this mall?
For the conventional entrance, my dear, we'd have to pay in chatles.
- Come on, let's go. - Get lost!
Fiddler! Patzaks go there.
- What are they doing? - It's Mister PG's 4th Pump.
- I love PG very much. - I koo him even more!
Here they make water out of luts.
- What are they shouting? - They are selling.
- Selling what? - Everything.
Let's buy a gravitzapa!
Gravitzapa is in another department.
First we need to find out Tenture of Earth.
Yellow pants... double koo!
Think! The diameter of your planet's orbit.
I don't remember. Fiddler, take over.
No! Fiddler isn't needed. You do it!
Whatever.
Specific weight of your planet's core. Think!
Specific weight? No, I can't remember.
I see.
The names of other planets in your galaxy, as many as you know. Think!
Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Venus...
Hey! My image sensing crystal! Where's my image sensing crystal? Huh?!
Fiddler! Put it back!
I thought it was a trifle, just a piece of glass.
Shabby nitwit.
Enough. Stop rattling your brains. Moron!
Here is your planet: 013 in Tenture, just left of the Big Dipper.
If you wanna talk, that's a chatle extra.
- Come again? - Your phone number! Think!
And tell them about the matches.
Hello. Hello. Speaking.
Speak into this thing.
Hello! Hello, please, speak!
- Hello! - Speak! Time is running!
Hello! Lucy!
- Vovka?! - Can you hear me? It's me!
Vovka! Where are you?!
I'm here... How are you there? How's our son?
Where on Earth... Where are you, Vovka?!
Well, I am here, at some place. I will explain later.
Is Mom well? Have you visited her?
- Yes, I have. - And?!
I'm asking you: "Where are you?"
Listen, Patzak woman! Stop getting at him! Go buy 2 boxes of ketze!
- Or we'll find him a younger one. - Damn it!
Lucy! Lucy...
Lucy, my darling!
Lucy...
Lucy! Please, dial up Manokhin!
Tell him that the keys to the fitting shop are in my trailer,
under the locker, on the floor. Have you understood all?
Oh, yeah. I understood "all".
Please, dial Batumi 3-47-57 and ask for Alik.
No! Take a walk. Thief.
Is something wrong? Huh?
Everything's fine. Only Earth is very far away.
It'll take 7 minutes instead of 5 to warm up the engine.
So, let's go and prepare the tzapa for the gravitzapa.
Hey, astronauts! Which one is tzapa?
It is that one... the rusty nut, my dear friend.
Everything is rusty here!
That one is the rustiest
What the hell! Are you nuts?
Oh-oh! My-my!
Lucy and Manokhin have "teleported!" Big deal!
Uncle Vova!
The match was in the field cap!
Weird... Why would they leave?
Weird?! Now they have a match to buy a gravitzapa and they know Tenture of Earth!
Comrade Etsilop!
They stole from us!
Please, catch them!
Koo! Catch them!
40 chatles.
No chatles! The tour guide has got 'em all!
And the violin is also not theirs!
They didn't koo before the PG's image!
What are you staring at? What the hell are you staring at?
I will tell your bosses that you knew and took no action.
You'll be frickin' tranklukated! Got it?
I did take action!
I pressed the 'kappa' right away. Fiddler will confirm!
All units! There's a runaway. A cask with castor wheels. Koo!
- There's nothing in there. - Open it.
Let him see.
It's vinegar.
Mind your own business.
The Patzak will be tranklukated. The Chatlanian will get etsikh for life, with nails.
Brothers! Brothers! My dear fellow Patzaks!
Tell them the truth! I was squatting!
It's this Chatlanian who was pressing the kappa.
- Shut up! - Uncle Vova!
- Shut up, parasite! - "You" shut up!
Vovka, my friend!
- Gedevan Alexandrovich! Confrere! - Don't listen to him!
Tell them it was him! He was the one who did not squat!
- And I will present you with the Pepelatz! - Uncle Vova, the Pepelatz is mine!
Calm down! Calm down...
Hang on a sec.
Nobody railed at anyone. Everybody squatted like chimps.
I got confused.
And it was me who brought the ketze here.
- What ketze? - The match you took out of the field cap.
There was no match! None!
Uncle Vova! My dear fellow! What's the matter with you?
Sorry, I forgot. There was no match.
None.
You both get "etsikh" for life, without nails, until the penalty is paid.
The penalty is 500 chatles. 250 chatles per head.
Thank you!
Patzak, fix the violin and sing your songs! Fiddler, tune up the Widget!
Guys, about the match... It was a joke! Just for fun!
Bye-bye!
Across the river, across the river, on the other river bank,
Koo! ...my Mary is... Uuuuh
Hello, Earthling!
"I am sure, one day you would reach this planet as well."
"Greetings from Vladimir Nikolaevich Mashkov, a builder from Moscow,"
"and Gedevan Alexidze from Batumi,"
"who were the first to set foot onto these wretched sands"
"in this god-forsaken corner of the Universe."
Brother Patzak, throw in some more "ruberoid". The pottage is too thin.
Then give me something else.
"Maybe by this time, some people who knew me are still alive."
"Please, tell them that I did not steal the violin."
Look! As good as new.
Here is a small piece left.
That happens... sometimes...
Rich in calories?
Earthlings! You really shouldn't have pressed the keys like that!
It wasn't easy to track you down. Thank God! The gadget has built-in memory.
Here's your socks. Thank you.
If you wish, I can teleport you back to Earth.
I found out your Tenture number.
But hurry up! One second here is half a year there.
Then I have a proposition. We rush to Earth now,
get some matches, come back here, sell them and buy our guys out.
- Then we go to Moscow, and you go home. - I can't do that. The battery has charge only for 3 trips.
But that's perfect! Just enough to go there, here and back again.
And what about me?!
Well, friend...
Make up your minds. Yes or no? I'm counting to three. One...
- Wait. - Two...
Well, put yourself in my shoes. The guys are doing time because of me.
And my little son has a beard like this by now! Two and a half...
- Two and a half! - I... cannot do this.
Three.
Argh! Who needs all this stuff...
All these craps-tzaks, all this trash!
And where did you get this? Huh?
Ugh... In the planetarium. It was just lying around on a shelf.
Fiddler...
My little klepto... You snatched up a gravitzapa!
Patzaks! Patzaks!
How come you sing here standing? Standing is allowed only over there.
- An Etsilop didn't let us in there. - Here you can sing only on your knees.
Thanks, we are fine as we are.
Come on, you can spare some coins!
Well, well, well...
Now behave yourselves.
Strangers in the koo...
Uncle Vova!
There comes your coat with my fur cap on top.
Hi!
How's life?
What's new on Pluke?
Sing.
Well, we are in bad voice today.
Sing!
Vladimir Nikolaevich,...
- I can't stand this any longer. - Easy now, Fiddler.
- What's this worth? - One hundred.
Okay... Looks like we have sung enough.
- And this one? - Fifty.
Etsilop!
Patzaks!
Why aren't you wearing muzzles?
Turn around!
New order from Mister PG.
Now all Patzaks must wear muzzles... and be happy!
Okay, "this" here is for me.
...and "this" is for you.
...and "this" one is for you.
Why aren't you happy? Did you hear me? Huh?
Raise your tranklukator, Chatlanian!
Aah!
- Put it on! - Yes, sir!
And be happy!
I am so happy!
Oh, look! PG is over here!
Where?
Get up!
Open your mouth!
Open wider!
Fiddler! Bring a gag!
Quickly!
[Swearing in Georgian]
Turn around!
And your nose!
Give us our money back!
Okay. Here, hold this. ...like this.
Take this off!
And if you think it's not a tranklukator,
it will be the last frickin' thought in your dumb Chatlanian head!
Show us the shortest way to the Etsikh. Go!
Everybody down! Stay put for half an hour!
- Move! - Move!
Faster!
Excuse us, granny.
That was PG's Mother!
A video?
In the flesh!
Everybody! Get in the washtub! Now!
Open the door!
And stay put the whole day! Koo? or not koo?
Here it is.
- What number? - The latest.
Well, hello there.
Hey! Chatlanian!
- Sing! - Fiddler, stop it.
Roll out the the preceding one!
Get lost!
Hello, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
['Hello' in Georgian]
Climb out.
- We can't. - They'll catch us.
Stop!
We have a gravitzapa.
Ouch!
- Koo, Uncle Vova! - Koo, koo.
Cut it through.
Right here.
- Koo! - Push it out!
Uncle Vova! Please help me roll the etsikh out!
- Leave it! - Vladimir Nikolaevich!
Humankind worked for millenniums just to get one rock from the Moon!
And here we have a live alien and an etsikh...
...made of unknown metal!
I said... leave it!
- Tzapa. - Yes, sir, tzapa.
- Tzapa! - Press the tzapa! - I did! I did!
- Are we flying already? - Starting it up...
Let's hurry up, guys! Before they come to their senses!
Don't get in the way!
- We've landed. - Landed where?
On Hanut.
What's "Hanut"?
- The planet where I was born. - Me too.
- It's night. - Now it's always night here.
- Put this on. - What for?
- There's no frickin' air here. - So, how do you live here?
Nobody has lived here for years.
Plukians tranklukated the planet while we were on tour.
Why?
- So that we didn't get them first. - Why did you want to get them?
So that they weren't hovering over us!
- And all perished? - Of course!
Vovka, I have a proposition.
- This planet now costs peanuts. - 63 chatles.
We sing 'Mommy' around the galaxy for a month...
...and the planet is ours!
- Another month and we'll buy the air. - 93 chatles.
Everyone who has no air will rush straight here.
The air belongs to us.
They will crawl before us, and we will spit on them.
What for?
- To derive enjoyment! - How can anyone enjoy that?
Heh... He's just too young.
Half of the planet will be yours, the other half... ours. A deal?
This is very tempting.
But, guys, we need to go back to Earth.
Hurry up, the grocery closes in half an hour.
Vovka, relax.
Look!
We are here.
Earth is there.
- And this is Alpha. - On Alpha they turn us into cactuses.
Earth, my dear fellow, is in Anti-Tenture.
There is no way we can get there. You see?
How's that?
That's how it is. It's just my luck, really.
A Pepelatz cannot make it to Earth!
And stop blabbing! Okay?
Let's go! We have a planet to divide.
Did you learn about this in the planetarium?
Yes, my friend.
That's why you stole the match?
- Of course! - Uncle Vova, they are lying!
Don't believe them!
Take us to Earth, now!
No, Gedevan. They are not lying.
They'd crawl across the Universe on their stomachs for a chance to get some matches.
Vovka, it's a silly thing to do.
This air has only 2% oxygen.
Gedevan...
Don't do this, you are young. You should live!
Maybe, things will change.
Fiddler isn't needed, Uncle Vova.
Hey, Patzak!
You'll kick the bucket in a minute, so...
For once, tell the truth!
You could have let that guy teleport you. Why didn't you?
What did you want?
Pink pants? PG's swimming pool?
Tell us, what did you want?
Gedevan! Dear friend! You tell me.
You can trust me! We are two of a kind.
My mother is Georgian. Well, used to be...
[Both speaking in Georgian]
He says his mother used to be a local Georgian.
Uef! You do what you want...
but I will take them to Alpha! Koo!
- Ku! - And you, lousy Chatlanian,...
...put on a tzak! And squat when you speak to a Patzak!
Hanut, my dear fellow, is a Patzak planet!
Repeat it again.
You eject us onto Alpha while trying to slow down in Alpha's orbit.
- To slow down... My foot! - Don't interrupt!
Go on, my friend.
On Alpha, when they transport us back to Earth,
we must hold on to the bottom of the space-teleportation gadget.
In this way the gadget will be teleported with us.
On Earth we must buy you four bags full of matches.
Go on, my friend.
How many times do we have to go over it?
Let's fly, shall we?
Because of you, I will end up in a pot forever!
And you are too lazy to open your mouth one more time!
Guys! Brothers! My dear good friends!
Let's fly. Or, at least, close the door.
I can't stand the sight of you any longer.
I'm sick of it all.
So long, my friend.
We are flying!
Apply the brakes!
Brakes!
How am I supposed to apply the brakes when you've drunk all our brake fluid! Alkie!
It can poison him.
- Turn off your antlers. - They can't be turned off.
- Take them off then. - They might break.
I think we've landed. That's how it was the last time.
Okay...
Put on your gas mask.
- What about a tzak? - We can do without.
Earth!
Across the river, across the river, on the other river bank...
No.
This isn't Earth.
How do you do?
We are Patzaks from the planet Earth. Who are you?
This is planet Alpha.
Tell Decont here, your coordinates
and she will teleport you back to the starting point.
Have a nice day.
Please, tell me your planet number.
013 in Tenture.
It is here... approximately... Here it is.
- To the left of the Big Dipper. - This is unnecessary.
Could you, please, hold your hands.
- Miss, what did you do with... them? - They are in the 2nd Greenhouse now.
Could you, please, hold your hands.
- Do you really turn people into cactuses? - Only those from Pluke.
They are not from Pluke! They are from Hanut!
This is irrelevant.
Could you, please, put on your breathing apparatus.
- But why? You have beautiful air! - That is why.
- Heh...! Just look at her! - Easy there. Just put it on, Gedevan.
On behalf of our planet, please...
Let them go.
Well, who can make this decision?
Abradox can. But...
Well, take us to him!
Do it, or I'll take off the mask and begin breathing out!
You shouldn't worry.
Our greenhouses provide the best environment.
Blossoming, microclimate, peace and quiet!
Isn't it something to be desired?
Then, my dear, why are you frolicking around on the grass
...instead of sitting in a pot?
Please, watch your step! You have just broken a green shoot again.
Friend!
- Can we ask you a favor? - No need to continue.
It's a 'no'.
Our proximity to the Kin-Dza-Dza galaxy...
...is our misfortune. They are plagued by yearnings and desires.
Vile desires!
Transformation into a plant life-form...
...is for their own good.
And for everyone else's!
Maybe we should bring them here and let them decide what is good for them?
Oh, if we gave that sort of beings an opportunity to decide about anything...
Miss, are you the smartest here!
Did somebody tell you that? Or did you figure it out on your own?
Let's not waste time.
You are creatures from Anti-Tenture.
That means I have an obligation to teleport you...
...to the starting point of your journey.
Or, we can send you back in time...
...to the moment when you could decide your own fate.
- The choice is yours. - Sorry, I don't get it. Back in time?
To the past. Back to Pluke.
Um... Can you send one of us to Earth and the other one to the past?
Vladimir Nikolaevich,
I won't let you go back to Pluke alone.
Okay, dude...
Back in time!
How long was I fixing the violin? 50 minutes or so?
About 50.
Brother Patzak...
A guy with socks will be here soon. Tell him to follow us to the Etsikh.
- Do you know where it is? - Sure.
- So, you will show him. - Pay me some more then.
Everybody have a rest for half an hour!
Thank you, brothers.
Carry on, boys. Carry on.
Fiddler! Hurry up!
You didn't go home! Again! You pest...
- Yes. Climb out! - Not for love or money!
It's better here than on Alpha.
Come on, pull them out.
We'll have a space-transportation gadget in a minute.
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
You owe us 11,000 boxes. Fiddler has it written down!
11,020.
I have a proposition. Vovka...
We get teleported together ...right into the grocery.
- We buy everything and then... - There will be no "then"
We all stay on Earth.
Forever?!
Forever.
Me, on the planet where they don't know who has to squat before whom? Nonsense!
- Give us the gravitzapa and that's it! - Uncle Uef, Uncle Be!
- You will be so welcome there! - No, comrade!
A society without the color differentiation of pants...
...is a society without purpose! And without a purpose...
Guys, enough with the philosophy. He's going to appear soon.
Make up your minds. Are you going with us?
Just give us the gravitzapa. Okay?
Give it to them.
It's a pity!
So... We should say our farewells.
I kind of got used to you.
Me too.
Well... Take care!
Friends! Patzaks!
Here's your socks. Thank you.
And if you wish...
Friend! What's the type of your gadget?
Might I take a look?
A regular type.
Press the key... and you're back home.
Hi.
Hi. Anything new?
Pipes sprang a leak at the construction site.
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice. Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl. And no fur coat do I have at all.
- How's our "A-grade" student? - He's out with friends.
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
Comrade! How could I get to Old Arbat Street?
- Turn right over there. - Thank you.
Fiddler?
Uncle Vova?
Fiddler!
Uncle Vova!
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice...
The End